I am the Weirdest Loser.....

I'm up to my third week on Weight Watchers, so it's become a habit, theoretically and in reality. I hope I lose more this week than I did last, but I do believe it is about being grateful for every oz. lost. My second week I didn't even come close to eating all of the points I am alotted AND I exercised almost every day, with all of the intensity I had in me, and I only lost .8 of a lb.! My first week I lost 7.4, so I've lost 8.2 lbs. as of last Saturday. Tomorrow morning I'm hoping to have lost at least 3-4 lbs., as my scale shows. This week, I have eaten all of my points and have exercised, but I missed Sat. and Sun., because I was sick. I also missed yesterday, because I had a busy day....I did do a lot of running after Conner and running up and down the stairs, so that probably counts for something. Today I hope to exercise twice to make up one of my exercise days, and maybe I will get up really early and exercise tomorrow morning. I need to be at Weight Watchers at 7:15, because last week at 7:45, the line was all the way through the weigh in room and across the meeting room, with hardly a chair left in the meeting! So I'm getting up with Don at 4:30 on Sat.

Tomorrow is my second advanced oil painting class and my first multi-media color pencil class. I'm excited about both. Also I am going to a meeting Feb. 11 at George Mason to check into getting a Bachelor's of Independent Study degree. I have been researching it, and I am beginning to compile a portfolio to submit all of my experience since I was last in college, to gain credit for life long learning. What I am truly interested in is a Masters program at GMU in creative writing. I want to incorporate my art in my BIS degree, and focus on writing specifically in a master's degree. I always shrugged off the idea of a BIS degree thinking it was a wimpy way out, but after reading the requirements, I don't think so. They will give me credit for volunteer experience, job experience and lifelong learning, such as my art classes and writing workshops. It's something worth looking into.

Well, my Little Man is half naked, watching Sesame Street and finishing up breakfast. I was about to get him dressed and took off his shirt, when he let me know he wanted to finish up his toast and cheese. He is mesmerized by Grover and Elmo! Pray for me to know and accept God's guidance through these endeavors. I don't want to take anything away from Don and Conner. I really have always had a yearning to finish my degree, and my sister/friend Jennie Jackson, inspired me by getting her BS in Criminal Justice. Jennie is one of my favorite heroes! She is right away going after her master's. You go, Jennie! Yea!

Wedding Pictures

Scroll down for Biggest Loser Posts after the pictures




praying

vows

sweet picture!

Don and me with the bride and goom

their first dance

the brothers


I received all of these pictures recently, so I decided to share them! I'm really happy to be able to share these joyful moments in our family...Facebook friends have already seen them!

I AM the BIGGEST LOSER, and yes, Nathan that is a GOOD thing!

I went to Weight Watchers yesterday, and I lost 7.4 lbs the first week!! Yea! I got two stars, and I'm pathetic, but I'm so proud of those stars! I logged in 67 activity points for the week....exercised an hour 6 days with combined aerobics and weights. I only used 13 of those (exchanged them for food points). I hope not to use any activity points for food this week...kind of the point, you know. But our leader encourages us to use all of our points every week. I just didn't need them, because I felt like I had enough food all week. My points will go down as my weight goes down. I already subtracted one point from my food points this week; although, we don't have to readjust our points except once per month. I feel so relieved NOT to be bouncing from one diet to another. I think most well balanced diets work, but you have to stick to something.

I also got some tentatively good news from my rheumatologist last week. He examined me and all of my joints. I was diagnosed 14 years ago with systemic lupus erythmatosis, which is a pretty scarey disease. At the time I was also recovering from a case of Hepatitis A that I got at a salad bar where there was an outbreak of Hep A, and I came very close to death. My liver function was running in the high 2000's and 3000 is liver failure. I lost 40 lbs. in two weeks and couldn't walk because of weakness for a month. Anyway, my rheumatologist told me last week that he thinks the Hep A caused my immune system to overreact and that either my lupus is in remission or it is very very mild now. I test positive for two other autoimmune diseases, so he ran a battery of blood tests and xrays on my hands and spine, and he will call me this week. He said that if my lupus had continued as it was when I was first diagnosed, we wouldn't be sitting in his office having a conversation. At first, it was attacking my red blood cells and the lining of my lungs, maybe my heart....as well as my joints. He said I do have evidence of having degenerative joint disease in my hands and that was probably what made my knees so bad. He said my weight didn't help my knees but probably didn't cause the destruction that was evident when I had surgery. All of this is really good news, if the blood tests prove him right. The other good news is that my diabetes doesn't seem to have damaged my eyes, my nerves or my feet...all areas of concern. I am seeing a diabetes specialist on Jan. 27th to help me get things under better control. I requested that, because she is in Fairfax, as opposed to having to drive all the way to Walter Reed for care. I just can't do that very often...especially with the little man.
So, Don and I are thanking God for all of the good news and the weight loss. I feel like I have been given a reprieve, which I don't really deserve, but I will embrace and let God's grace change and discipline my life. Praise God!

God's Heart

Conner is walking all over the place, and he's listening to Grandma! I'm so proud of him...and busy! This morning we've stayed at Chris's house for awhile, and I love watching him in his own home. He knows his boundaries. We're having fun now!!

On my own front, I have done well with my plan to lose weight. I have stayed right on the Weight Watchers program, and I've exercised every day...most days for an hour. It looks like I'm down 9 lbs. I knew it would be big...I did the opposite of that over Christmas. I did really well right up to and past Thanksgiving. Then the force of my own worst nature took over! I also decided to do Jaime's plan for reading through the Bible. I already have read through the Bible doing the three part readings. Now I'm reading 12 pages a day...6 in the Old Testament and 6 in the new. (No wonder I've lost weight this week...I've been up diverting Conner at least 6 times in the past two paragraphs!):)

In my readings so far, one of the things that moved me was in the story of Noah. People are always blaming God for all of the violence in the world...as in He doesn't stop it, so He is responsible. Well, in the days of Noah, the Bible said that every inclination of the hearts of men were evil all of the time...and the world was full of violence, so God was sorry that He had created man. It also said God's heart was full of pain! I think of God's heart and how forgiving He is. I think of Him and His patience, and his uncomprehendable love for us...how He condescended to become a human--He who created us and who is perfect in His holiness!
And his heart was full of pain because of the evil and violence of men. There are things that scream injustice in this world--the most heinous is that men blame God for the evil in this world! His every action and every intent was to save us from evil. But often, we won't be saved! So He gives us our way, and it fills His heart with pain! The only reason He hasn't destroyed us completely is becuse He is patient, not wanting any man to perish!

I have to go chase a baby now...more calories burned! (Burn, baby, burn!)

Ummmm....sorry about the pictures

Well, I just now noticed the "running pictures" to the right of my blog. They had seemed okay when I chose them...in case you don't know, how you do that kind of constant photo feed is type in a word on the blog setting section, and the pictures pop up for you. I didn't look at all of the pictures, and I just noticed the kind of provocative pictures of Dallas cowboy cheerleaders, some woman eating a cherry in a weird sexy way, some woman with a piece ice in her mouth....hmmmmm...not the kind of change I'm really interested in achieving....so my apologies for the provocative pictures, and I changed my live picture feed to "puppies", because how can you go wrong with puppies? (I almost changed it to "bunnies", but......)

Final Goals

Well, I joined Weight Watchers on Saturday, and it wasn't pretty~I thought, going in, that I would have gained back half of the weight I lost in 2008, which was 32 lbs., but I gained back all 32 lbs! But facing reality inspires me to do something about it, and I have been writing down, measuring, calculating points and walking like crazy since Sat. Don has been supportive, especially since I told him..."If I find out the world is coming to an end this evening at 6PM, I'm going to get my walk in by 5!" I have to be that determined, or everything else comes before my exercise.
(You know carrying a 31 lb. toddler up and down stairs a gajillion times a day COULD be considered exercise!)

So here are my long term goals for 2009:

1. Read through the Bible and take notes daily/continue to pray daily/pray for someone whose life can be touched by the gospel and "step in".
2. 45 minutes of cardio at least 6 days per week.
3. 30 minutes of weight/strengthening exercises 3 times per week
4. Yoga or stretching daily
5. Be the biggest loser in my friend Jaime's Biggest Loser Challenge
6. Lose 15 lbs. per month until I am down to 150 lbs.
7. Publish at least one children's book and one book of poetry in 2009
8. Send an item in to be considered by someone weekly (writing)
9. Write for four hours per day
10. Stay on my housework schedule so I don't have to play catch up.
11. Make sure our Writer's group meets monthly
12. Host a Writers' retreat in the spring
13. Plan one adventure weekend per month with Don and /or our family.
14. Sell 4 paintings

I know these goals don't seem spiritual, for the most part, but they are. All of these things are things I need to do to enable me to live my best for God. I appreciate prayers and accountability.

Too fat to live? Maybe....

I spent all day yesterday putting away my Christmas decorations, organizing them for the next time we use them, doing laundry and watching shows about "super morbidly obese" people. I hate the term "morbidly obese". It sounds like the person in question is too fat to live. Watching these shows on the learning channel, however, I realized that some people are too fat to really live. When I was younger and full of self-loathing for my own weight problems, I used to watch those shows with mixed feelings of "morbid" curiosity and some measure of contempt. Last night, as I watched the largest woman to ever have gastric bypass surgery, I felt profoundly sad for her and the other people in her condition. This young woman looked like a young, beautiful face, fully made up, and floating in a mountain of flesh. She wanted her life back, so she was willing to risk it to have gastric bypass surgery, and she survived the surgery, but she had a massive heart attack a few days later. I watched all of the stories about the super overweight people, I was looking and listening, trying to figure out why they kept on eating....and to find out why I haven't been successful with my life long struggle with weight. I have about 80-100 lbs. to lose, and I have lost it many times...only to gain it back.
There were a few things that all of the people had in common. They were either in denial about the actual immediate danger they were in, or they felt paralyzed by their inability to do anything about it. The young woman who died was only 29. She had huge fat tumors growing all over her body, and she said, "I know they're there, but I've never seen them. I don't look down there." She took maticulous care of her face and hair. Her body actually looked like it didn't belong to her...her face was a sharp contrast to her body. There was a disconnect in who she saw herself to be and who she was physically. I can relate to that. I have listened to women of much smaller sizes,and all ages, most of whom aren't fat at all, disown and criticize parts of their body. I also understand her "leaving" her body behind and saying to herself, "That's not who I am." It is impossible to be motivated to change my weight permanently if I don't own my weight and size. So that is why I am going to Weight Watchers....and I am not going to wait until I starve myself and get to a smaller weight.

The other common factor was that each person was carrying around either their own emotional baggage or someone else's and the weight became a manifestation of pain, anger, loneliness, or grief. One young man, a teenager who weighed almost a thousand lbs., seemed totally emotionless. His mother, who had a weight issue herself, ran around providing food for him, talking to him like he was a baby, asking what he wanted to eat. I was immediately angry at her, for some reason. It turned out, later in the show we found out that she had lost her first baby boy at 19 months old. She had this teenager six years later and just poured herself into raising him. I think he was supposed to make up for the other son she lost, and she was literally "mothering" him to death. I just wanted to shake her. She kept crying about losing her first son and how if she lost her second son, she might as well jump into the casket with him. But what about the boy's life? As sad as it was that she lost one son, what sense did it make for her to kill the other one with food? I'm sure a lot of psychological things were going on, but it didn't seem fair that that mother's grief came out as 1000 lbs of flesh on her other son. It wasn't about her...even if she lost the second son. It was about her son needing a life.
He survived the gastric bypass surgery, and he was in such pain. The mother just kept on with her behavior...Unless he got into a healthier environment I don't have a lot of hope for him to survive his mother's grief. The woman had a husband, but he didn't seem to be important to her, even though he seemed to be trying to be supportive. Her grief was overwhelming her and her son. I actually had to turn off the TV at that point. Then I had to ask myself why that bothered me so much. It was that the son was so enmeshed in his mother's emotional baggage that he had no real self, as big as he was. There was a disconnect between this boy and himself...just like the woman who died. The only hope for him would be if his mom owned her own feelings and gave her son room to have his own life. Hopefully they all got some counseling. The boy needed his invisible father, too. It was depressing to me.

Then there was this angry, rebellious, gangster 800 lb. man! He would lose an amount of weight and then just demand and order in food in this rehab center--where he had begged to come. He was abusive to the doctors and nurses who tried tohelp him. He had been rebelled against his father as a teen, and then his father died, and that multiplied this guy's anger. He took it out on the world as well as himself. I didn't really relate to this guy, except for the fact that when I get off of my plan, I feel rebellious against my own rules...which is kind of silly. I say things to myself, like, "Why can some people eat whatever they want, and I have to...." Poor me! I don't think that way for long, because I know that I should be ashamed of myself. Three fourths of the world can't even eat every day. How dare I bemoan my efficient metabolism?

Which brings me to the depressing reality of all of the lives that I saw depicted. What a waste of life. Each one of those people had a unique purpose and potential that only God knows, because their lives were literally consumed by what they consumed, and then their bodies consumed whatever was left of them. I no longer look in morbid curiosity or any sense of contempt. I look with compassion, humility and gratitude, because were it not for my Heavenly Father, His grace and the determination He has put in my heart, I could have become a woman with a pretty face floating in a surreal mound of flesh, totally checked out of my life. I had a mound of pain in my heart when He healed me, and His grace makes me try try try again. So here I am, with the same main goal in 2009 that I had in 2008, beginning again. I have hope--because He lives in me.

Daily Goals for 2009....Long Term in Another Post

Don has to work today, but I'm not complaining, because that gives me time to be work on my goals for 2009. I really like beginnings of things, and I reset goals a few times a year, so I don't call the goals I set at the beginning of the year resolutions. I have been thinking about these goals for a long time. I want them to be specific and practical. I am writing down the daily goals first, but I actually got them from my long term goals, which I will put in a different post. I wrote down my process and then scrolled up and put my final results on top, in case you aren't interested in what got me here. I wanted to post it all, because it was helpful for me to see why I feel like a hamster on a treadmill sometimes....without the cardio benefits! :)

2009 Goals FINAL RESULTS (See below for my boring working out the details process...)
1. Bible Study and Prayer 1 hour per day
2. 45 minutes cardio and 30 minutes strength/yoga per day
3. Weight watchers meeting every week 1 hour
4. 30 minutes to write down all food eaten per day during meal prep.
5. 2 hours per day Tue-Fri cleaning...4 on Fri. because of groceries
6. 4 hours of writing daily....6 on the weekends. Contact publishers weekly
7. 8 hours of sleep daily
8. Winding down, stretching and praying for others 30 minutes daily.
Okay that works better. That is about 16-17 hours scheduled....my hours with Conner and Don fit into the remaining 7 or so hours. I just can't set myself up for failure, and I will have to delegate...especially cleaning up after people.



1. One hour of focused personal Bible study and prayer per day...no more no less.
2. One hour of cardio and one hour of either strength training or yoga per day. AM and PM
I know it sounds like a lot, but I've built up to it and it is necessary to keep the mobility in my leg, change my metabolism and keep my morning blood sugars low.

3. Attend one Weight Watchers meeting every week in 2009

4. Measure and write down everything I eat in 2009

5. T-F follow my cleaning schedule and do no more or less than 2 hours of housework per day....keep up, not catch up.

6. Use Don's teacfhing times/nap times for writing. Write at least 4 hours per day....6 on days Don teaches.

7. /8. Sleep 8 hours per day.

8. End my day by stretching/physical therapy/ hot tea and praying for others.

Okay...I used the calculator. At least now I know where my problems lie. I have to schedule 22 hours a day to do everything I need to do....and I'm not scheduling the time I spend with Don, Conner, friends, ESL, going to church, talking to people either in person or on facebook...AAAHHH! I'm going to work this out.

1. Bible study and prayer not negotiable...one hour per day min. Nothing else works without that.
2. Okay so maybe I can do 45 min. cardio and 30 min. strength/yoga per day
3. One hour per week Weight watchers...on my way to art class. Sat., so no need to count in schedule
4. Writing down food/measuring is essential...works into meal preparation...at least 5-10 min. per meal
5. Cleaning...I would delegate, but I'm the one who cares the most, and that really is my job now that I'm a stay at home Grandma...taking care of Conner and my home and husband are my daily responsibilities....at least 2 hours for the house and more for Conner....I follow Don's schedule, so my free time is with him.
6. Writing...if I'm serious I need to use all of Don's teaching/Conner's and Don's nap time for writing. ....I need about 4 hours a day every day.
7. Sleep is non negotiable for health reasons
8. Winding down/stretching 30 min.
Okay that works better. That is about 16-17 hours scheduled....my hours with Conner and Don fit into the remaining 7 or so hours. I just can't set myself up for failure, and I will have to delegate...especially cleaning up after people.