Purging

Today, I was amazed by what God did. A woman from my art class asked me to go to lunch with her. It wasn't amazing that someone wanted me to go to lunch, but this is what God always does: He sends the person I would least expect into my path. It always happens. Last "semester" two young women asked me to do things with them after class....one was a stay at home mom, very sweet and bright, and the other one was a prosecuting attorney in Alexandria, also very bright, and both of them were quite beautiful...neither the kind of women I would expect to want to hang out with me, a Grandma type. We are still friends, even though we're in different classes now. Anyway, last week I noticed this woman in class who was a little older than me, and who was very bold in expressing herself to the teacher--quite argumentative, actually. She also was very vocal during both the teacher's lecture time and during our work time, choosing to add something to her painting that wasn't set up on our still-life, because she didn't like what the teacher put up there. (That caused some discussion between her and the teacher, obviously). Well, after class she asked me to have lunch with her.
My instinct was to say no, because I was a little leery of her boldness. But I've prayed for God to send people my way, so I said yes. Well, I took my time ordering lunch, choosing baked salmon, rice and veggies, to choose healthier food than the gyro sandwich and fries I had last week. (Ugh!) Anyway, she chose the same food and then asked about my diet. I told her the whole story...beginning with counting calories and exercising...but emphasizing my the support I am receiving from praying, studying the Bible, blogging with my friends and family, and from my husband etc. She seemed very interested and ended up sharing with me about her daughter who has a serious weight problem--probably needs to lose more than 200 lbs. Her daughter doesn't live nearby, but she will visit in the coming weeks. I hope to meet her, too. Our talk was great, and we learned a lot about each other.
I'm thinking God has a purpose in mind.

I am also hoping after I lose my weight that God will use me to help people who have significant, life-long struggles with serious weight issues. I have already been told by several of my water aerobics instructors over the years that I should get certified to teach water aerobics. What I would like to do is start some kind of program that would draw out (I AM NOT going to say "morbidly obese" people, because when I was a lot heavier than I am now, a doctor called me that--and it sounded like he was saying'You're too fat to live!' which he really was) anyway, seriously overweight people who might not even want to leave their homes. Most of the time, people who have those kinds of problems--are isolated by choice, because it is too painful--or impossible--for them to go out in public. I would like to do something to reach the souls of people--start a ministry--something someone who has never had a serious weight problem wouldn't be apt to do. But first I have to deal with my own problem--take the giant log out of my own eye. :)

That brings me to something I know I need to deal with more than just in my prayers.
I have been noticing that I am angry more than usual since I have been seriously working on my food issues. It's not like some buried anger that bubbles over--I dealt with that years ago in counseling. I get angry when I think I am not being respected by others, especially by people I think should automatically treat me with respect, i.e. Christians, extended family members etc. When I'm not using food as a buffer, I seem to feel the pain and indignation of this more acutely. I don't react immediately to people outside of my family--and I don't have a problem with telling my family how I feel...and sometimes even just letting something go if I know the other person is having a bad day. But what is bothering me is repeat offenders....people who are rude to me on a regular basis...who don't know me...and who I can't even
recall a reason why they might treat me a certain way. Don says, "You can't let it bother you--just realize it's that person's problem." I know he's right....and I'm not saying I'm impossible not to like...but it still bothers me. Maybe, now that I've admitted that it bothers me, it won't anymore. I just don't think there should be snobbery among Christians. But, as my wise husband also says, every sin known to man will find its way into Christian circles--that's why we all need Jesus. My tendency is to want to call people on it when they ignore me or exclude me in subtle ways--women are so good at that. I also have a real tendency to avoid being around large groups of women because of that--so I exclude, first. But most women don't treat me that way, and it's silly and probably sinful of me to avoid being around my sisters just because a few of them are rude to me. I know the key is focusing on other people....and keeping my mind off of myself. I do that most of the time, but now that I'm not comforting myself with food anymore, I am more annoyed. Don't worry, I'm not going to run around demanding respect and wreaking havoc in the church. And I imagine that if you're reading my blog, you aren't someone who excludes me from your fellowship circles. And I know this to be true--Jesus wouldn't have prayed that we would be able to love one another if it was easy to do. He was certainly excluded, spat upon, tortured and murdered....thinking about those things usually help me, too. Why should I expect far more than Jesus did--why should I expect anything? But, I'm realizing, chewing away on something I shouldn't is easier than swallowing my pride, and giving people the benefit of the doubt. A very wise person--actually the person from whom I received counseling years and years ago--acknowledged my feelings about being marginalized. He sat in the fellowship hall observing a group of women as we prepared for a meal one Sunday. Later, in counseling, he asked me about that day and how I thought it went. I told him I had felt shoved to the side, and he told me he had watched it happen. Then he said something I will never forget,
"If someone doesn't like me, I assume they just don't know me yet, and if they knew me, they would like me. I think that's true of you. If those women let themselves get to know you, they would like you." That statement really did change my perception of myself. What a generous thought. Now I feel better.