Competition

Psalm 19 "Forgive myhidden faults. Keep your servant also from willful sins; may they not rule over me. Then I will be blameless. May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing in Your sight. O Lord, my Rock, my Redeemer!"

I have identified one of the problems I have had in the past with my weight loss efforts as my tendency to be very competitive. I want to learn all I can about God's view on this subject, because a little competitiveness is motivating, as long as we can cheer others onto success as well. Unfortunately my competitive nature has resulted, in the past, in all or nothing mentality. The first time I lost 78 lbs. on Weight Watchers, I did not get off the program in any way for three months. When my leader found out I had not cheated even once, he encouraged me to get off at least once. I did, and that was the beginning of months of yo-yo dieting that resulted in discouragement and guilt and eventually I abandoned the diet.

Because wanting and needing to lose weight has been a life-long problem for me, and because I suffered a lot of abuse growing up as a fat child, this has been an extremetly emotional journey for me. Guilt and shame were the biggest obstacles to any real, thought out plan to lose weight. Also, to my shame, because of my competitiveness and because I was so shame based as a young woman, I couldn't for many years rejoice with even people I loved who were able to lose weight. I felt anxious and threatened by others' success. God has worked on that mental and emotional barrier for years, and I have learned that others' successes only mean that I, too, can be successful with the right attitude. I think wanting to be the best at water aerobics or wanting to accomplish the goals I have set for myself is healthy. That is why I am asking for accountability. But, as I learned in my Bible study of Phil. today, my weight loss journey cannot be about me but it has to be about glorifying God.

"If you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from His love, if any fellowship with the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and purpose. Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interest of others. Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus; who being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness and being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself and became obedient to death, even death on a cross.: Phil 2:1-8

I can see now that all of those years when I lost a chunk of weight here and there, I became prideful, vain and judgemental of others. I thought that losing weight made me more important than I was. At the same time, the more weight I lost, the more my anxiety grew, and finally I would get off the program, only to descend into guilt and depression, and self-recrimination. In other words, it was all about me.
I know now that the only success we can have is to submit ourselves to the power of the Holy Spirit in our "hidden faults" like Psalm 19 says. Other people may not have the same issues I do with weight, but I think we all have our prideful/self-defeating areas that must be submitted to the Holy Spirit. I don't want this journey to be about selfish ambition or vain conceit. I want it to be a demonstration of God's power and ability to change something in me that I absolutely cannot change on my own. For me, it is not about not knowing how to lose weight in a healthy way. For me, it is about submitting my stubborn will and pride to God....to consider myself nothing in comparison to Jesus...to be willing to be obedient and humble, especially as I become successful losing weight. I can never be about me, or I will lose "every ounce" of success I have. I know this about myself. I want my children and friends to look at this part of my life, see the work of the Holy Spirit and know and glorify God and His power. I know the tools and the accountability are important. But even with all of the right tools and with the accountability of all of my loved ones, I will not be successful at this goal or any other unless I humble myself and become obedient....and not give in to vanity or selfish ambition. It's not about me.